Did you know that your attachment style was shaped by childhood experiences?
The attachment style that you form during this time affects how you view yourself and others. It can also impact your emotions and how you try to form relationships.
So, what happens when you have attachment wounds? Or when your attachment needs go unmet? This can be considered traumatic. It can change the way you relate to others and yourself.
Attachment Trauma
Attachment trauma is described as ruptures in the bonding process between a child and their caregiver. These ruptures can impact future relationships into adulthood. Attachment wounds and unmet attachment needs can be considered traumatic. And, trauma can leave a lasting impact on the way we attach to others in adulthood.
Trauma experienced in early childhood or even experienced later in life, can all have an impact on shaping someone's attachment style. So, trauma experienced in childhood can also cause the child to have an insecure attachment. For example, if a child experienced a chaotic upbringing or neglectful environment, they may learn that their needs will not be met. This can lead to children having a hard time trusting that their needs will be met. Or, that people are reliable.
This is Your Mind's Way of Coping
Since your attachment style affects the way you view yourself and the way you view others. It has direct impacts on your internal messages about yourself, your emotions, and how you try to achieve emotional and relational safety. Trauma can have a lasting effect on your attachment style. The effects trauma has on your attachment style may also impact the way you respond to trauma later in life.
Any type of traumatic event can lead to insecure attachment styles. This may include examples such as:
Abuse
Neglect
Chaotic environments
Unmet or inconsistently met needs
Having caregivers who are consistently dysregulated
These insecure attachment styles include anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant (or disorganized) attachment styles.
The Different Insecure Attachment Styles
The three different insecure attachment styles are:
Anxious
Avoidant
Anxious-avoidant (disorganized)
They all can be formed from different types of trauma experienced in childhood. But, just because you have experienced trauma does not mean you will have an insecure attachment style. It is possible to have a secure attachment style even if you experienced some form of trauma. There are also ways to heal from attachment trauma so that you can have a more secure attachment style.
Anxious Attachment
Someone who has an anxious attachment style has trouble trusting others. This could be displayed through them becoming dependent or clingy, even possessive, in their relationships. They might also be constantly seeking reassurance from others. Or, have a fear of abandonment. People with this attachment style might text or call their parents many times. Or, follow them places and question them over and over. It can be exhausting as they need continuous reassurance.
They can also tune in well to others' needs and easily notice a shift in others' emotions. For example, they might be quick to comfort someone who is crying. They want to feel close to others and have a strong desire for intimacy. But, their fear of abandonment can often get in the way of true intimacy as they might not fully trust their partner. This is because they have trouble trusting others. Yet, with support and therapy, people with an anxious attachment style can learn to trust themselves and others more.
The trust issues that come with anxious attachment are often due to early childhood experiences.
Childhood trauma that could cause an anxious attachment style includes neglect or living in a chaotic or scary environment. Inconsistent, unavailable, or rejecting caregivers can also lead to an anxious attachment style.
Now, if a person with this attachment style experienced trauma after the attachment style is formed, they would find it very difficult. They would find it difficult to trust themselves or others and have a negative self-image. They would become self-blaming in relationships, and/or become controlling in the relationship. This doesn't mean there isn't hope. But, it will need a lot of extra work to develop a more secure attachment style.
Avoidant Attachment
Someone who has an avoidant attachment style is prone to withdraw or disconnect from others. They tend to keep their distance from others. They see others as too dependent, which frightens them. Those with an avoidant attachment style have fear of loss. As a result, it is masked as independence. They also reduce their own needs for connection.
Their behavior might look like an unwillingness to commit to a relationship. Or, being too particular or picky about another’s habits, keeping secrets, and avoiding. They might even seem distant. For example, if you ask how their day was, they will answer with one word like "fine." People with this attachment style might also have trouble being emotionally available to others. They may also have an issue being emotionally intimate with others as they fear getting too close.
Much like the anxious attachment style, the avoidant attachment style is often due to early childhood experiences.
Trauma that could cause avoidant attachment includes neglect. This can explain why they fear getting too close to others. Or, why they feel they have to be so independent. This doesn't mean that they cannot learn to become more dependent on others. But, it will need a lot of extra work to develop a sense of trust and intimacy with others.
Because they have a fear of loss, if they experience trauma after their attachment style is formed, it could heighten their need for self-protection. They might become more isolated, dissociative, or angry with others. All in an attempt to keep themselves emotionally safe. This could mean that they will struggle to develop close, intimate relationships. Unless they seek to support and work on these issues.
Anxious-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
For someone who has an anxious-avoidant attachment style (or disorganized attachment style), they face an internal battle of both anxious and avoidant tendencies. They desire closeness. But, once it's there, they become frightened or overwhelmed. Then they tend to push others away.
They want closeness, but it's also the thing that scares them the most. So, this can lead them into a cycle of nearness and distance. They may not even understand why. For example, they might pursue someone they are attracted to. But, once they get close, they become distant. Then they may repeat this cycle and not know why they are doing it.
The anxious-avoidant attachment style is often due to trauma that includes physical abuse, chaotic or scary environments, and/or inconsistent care. This can help explain why they are both attracted to and fearful of closeness. It can also help explain why they might have difficulty forming close, intimate relationships. They may fear getting close to others may result in them getting hurt, both emotionally and physically. Or, that the care/love they receive may be taken away.
What do Attachment Issues Look Like?
Attachment issues can look different for everyone and every attachment type. They often manifest in romantic relationships. But, it can show up in other types of relationships as well. Here are some examples:
Difficulty engaging in intimacy
Feeling guarded and distant in relationships
Worried and unsettled regarding that same relationship
Difficulty forming emotional bonds with others.
Attachment issues can be difficult to manage. But, if you're struggling with them, know that you're not alone. It is common for children who have been placed for adoption or foster care to have attachment issues. And, it is common for people who have experienced trauma to have attachment issues. Because of this, they have attachment wounds that play out in adulthood. They can be difficult to overcome. But, with time, patience, and support, it is possible to develop healthier attachment styles.
Ways to Heal from Attachment Trauma
It may seem difficult or impossible to heal from attachment trauma. Yet, it is possible. Here are some ways that you can work on healing your attachment wounds:
Building safety with others, your environment
Consistency in your schedule
Seek out others with secure attachment styles to attune to
Seek ways to repair ruptures
Talk about your experiences with someone you trust
These are just a few ways that someone can begin to heal their attachment trauma. It is important to seek out professional help if you feel like you're struggling to cope. Attachment issues can be difficult to overcome alone. With a therapist's support, you can begin to develop a more secure attachment style.
How do I Create a More Secure Attachment Style?
Creating a secure attachment style may sound impossible and even feel impossible. But, with work and patience, it can be done. Here are some things that you can do to begin developing a more secure attachment style:
Become aware of your triggers
Understand your needs in relationships
Be able to communicate your needs effectively
Understand your partner's needs
Learn more about your attachment wounds
Reprocessing painful memories
Giving a voice to your needs
These are only a few ways you can do work on your own and with your partner. You can practice these new skills but also heal the hurting parts of yourself. Through these new experiences, you can become more securely attached.
But, you need to understand your needs in relationships, so you can communicate them effectively. Just as it is also important to understand your partner's needs. This way you will be able to meet each other in the middle. This can be accomplished by improving communication, practicing emotional regulation, and learning more about their attachment style. Seeking a therapist to help support you in this process can be very beneficial. They can also help you figure out what baby steps you can make all on your own.
Begin Securing Your Attachment With A Trauma Therapist at White Rock Therapy in Dallas, TX
Securing attachment styles and processing the trauma that has happened in your life can be difficult. But, with the help of a trauma therapist, you can begin to understand your attachment style and needs. You can also begin to develop a more secure attachment style. White Rock Therapy is here to help you in this process. If you are ready to begin therapy for your attachment style and/or trauma:
Submit a Contact Form on our website.
Learn more about our team's therapy services and how they may benefit you.
Learn about your needs in a relationship and what a therapist can do to help you.
Additional Services offered at White Rock Therapy
An insecure attachment style may not be the only thing you are struggling with. You may be struggling with the trauma that you've gone through. Or, you have anxiety from the constant worry that your needs won't be met. Here at White Rock Therapy, we offer a variety of in-person and online services to help you with whatever it is you may be struggling with. Other mental health services offered include EMDR, therapy intensives, grief counseling, and group therapy. We are also happy to offer sports counseling, therapy for dissociation, and support for families of addicts.